Stupid Criminals

Stupid Criminals

I started diving into the world of stupid criminals because it’s funny, and I don’t really feel bad for making fun of stupid people who decide to break the law. I’m not going to use their real name, or real location because I don’t really want to make their life any worse than it already is, however, I am truly amazed at the stupidity of their plan and actions.

I plan to do an ongoing series of these kinds of True Crime stories, so this is the first one of many to come.

Billy Robinson steals a check

Billy had dreams of becoming a recording mogul. His plan was to start a music recording company and sign up several top rappers and make a ton of money. He perceived his biggest obstacle was the fact that he was completely broke, and couldn’t afford the down payment on a free lunch, however, his real problem was the fact that if he had another brain, it would be pretty lonely.

The one thing that Billy had going for him was the fact that he was pretty easy to look at, and he attracted a girlfriend.

His girlfriend’s mother owned her own business and was considered pretty smart in Billy’s eyes. The sad fact is that just about everyone, including their pets, was smarter than Billy.

Billy’s girlfriend still lived at home and one day while visiting her, he noticed her mom’s checkbook sitting on a table. This was his big chance to make all of his dreams come true.

Billy stole a check out of the checkbook and headed toward the bank. His plan was to simply write a check to himself, and cash it at the bank. What could possibly go wrong?

Billy started adding all the things he thought he needed to start his recording studio. He made the check out to himself and headed toward the bank.

The alert bank teller immediately suspected that there was something wrong with the check. Perhaps it was the ten zeros on a personal check that tipped her off.

Yes, Billy in his infinite wisdom wrote the check out for 360 Billion dollars. I guess the thought of “maybe this is too much” never entered his microscopic brain.

As it turns out, just the weight alone would be pretty hard for Billy to handle, since 360 billion dollars, in one hundred bills, would weigh about 7,936,560 pounds. Perhaps he was a little greedy. Of course, he was arrested for forgery

Just looking for a job

Sandra Timberman was looking for work when she ran across the posted job at the Sherriff’s office. The starting pay was $22 per hour which seemed to be a pretty good deal.  The job required you to be able to type and use a simple spreadsheet. “Wow, I can do that,” thought Sandra.

Ordinarily, this wouldn’t be a stupid criminal story except for one thing. Sandra was a fugitive. The Sherriff was already looking for her because she had several active warrants. She made their job super easy by simply walking into their office.

Her job would have included keeping track of active warrants, but it seems that she failed to keep track of her own.

Let's try that again

Sammy Black robbed the Fountain Valley, Chase bank. He got away with a large amount of money when he gave a teller a note about having a gun. I’m sure that Sammy thought, this was an easy way to get rich. Maybe it was a little too easy because he went back to the same bank the very next day, and tried to rob it again.

As soon as he walked through the door, employees recognized him and alerted the police. By the time Sammy made his way to the teller’s window, the police were already there.

As you can guess, he was caught and arrested. It turns out that he had several other warrants because of previous robbery convictions. I’ve heard of criminals returning to the scene of the crime, but this is ridiculous. 

Do you accept checks?

A home invasion went south when Carlos broke into a home and demanded the owner give him cash. He made the homeowner drive to his bank to withdraw money from the ATM machine.  The problem was, the homeowner only had about $90 in his account because he had recently paid all of his bills.

Carlos was super pissed off about this and ordered the homeowner to drive back home. Carlos said, “I didn’t break into your house for a measly $80 bucks, you better do better than that.”

The homeowner said ” I have another online account, but I don’t have a debit card for it.  I can write you a check if you promise to leave me alone.” Carlos agreed and the homeowner took out a checkbook from the car’s glove box and wrote Carlos a check for $850. He then dropped Carlos off at a convenience store. Carlos said, “If you put a stop payment on this check, I’ll be back!”

The homeowner then called the police and reported the crime.

About a month later, the homeowner noticed that Carlos, who seemed to be a few tacos short of a combination plate, actually deposited the check into his bank account. The police were alerted again.

It didn’t take much detective work to figure out where Carlos lived. He was arrested the next day.

Get a kick out of crime

Bernard Wilson had the bright idea of walking into a karate studio and robbing them. Bernard, who seemed to be a couple of beers short of a six-pack, was immediately met with a full can of whip-ass.

I wonder if he knew what karate meant.  This was one of those times when a criminal is happy to see the police arrive. His robbery attempt netted him zero dollars. If only Bernard had shared his plan with someone who actually had half a brain, he could have avoided it. Why if brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his hat off.

Lucky scratch-offs identify crooks

Jim Peterson and Jose Bonilla learned the hard way after breaking into a convenience store in Texas.  They entered the story from the backdoor and immediately walked behind the checkout counter and took several packs of $10 and $20 scratch-off lottery tickets.

Each pack contained 100 tickets. They also stole a couple of cases of beer.  The videotape showed the pair with their faces covered with ski masks. It was obvious that they knew exactly where to go and what to grab. All in all, they were in and out of the store in less than 3 minutes.  Even though the alarm sounded, by the time the police arrived, they were gone.

It seems that these two geniuses spent the entire night getting drunk and scratching tickets, and finding winners.  After working feverishly for hours, they had collected more than $3200 in winning tickets.

Since neither one of them has two ounces of brains, they decided to return to the story the very next day to collect their winnings.

The store manager told them it would take about 20 minutes to cash all the tickets in, and in the meantime, the police were called, and the crime was solved.

Being able to read has it's advantages.

It was 5:15 Am and Mitchel Peterson had been driving for hours. He had been visiting a nearby town where he spent the entire night burglarizing businesses after they closed for the evening.

His car was full of his ill-gained profits, including beer, merchandise, watches, and cash from cash registers. On his way back home, he decided to stop at a small motel and spend the night.

He got into an argument with the motel clerk because there were no rooms for rent. Mitched just wouldn’t take no for an answer, and continued to harass the motel clerk.

The problem was, it was not a motel clerk, it was a state trooper. He didn’t stop at a motel, he had stopped at a state trooper station.

They gave him a room alright, without a checkout time. He was charged with DUI, and in the process of booking him, they searched his car, which was parked in front of the state trooper’s station. That is where they discovered all of the stolen loot.

Bank customer robs his own bank

Robert William decided to rob a bank and for some unknown reason, he decided to rob his own bank. He handed a teller a note and got away with a large amount of money.

Nothing new or strange about robbing a bank, but this genius stopped at the ATM machine on the way out, and redeposited the money into his own account. You see, that is what happens when cousins marry.

This case pretty much solved itself.

Car parts point to the guilty thieves

This happened in the UK. Three criminals had the bright idea of stealing an ATM machine. They cased out a location where the ATM was stationed on the outside of a store. 

These three stooges wrapped a chain around the machine and attached it to their bumper. The idea was to drag the ATM machine around to the back of the store and cut it open with a blow torch.

The ATM was bolted into the ground and when they tried to yank it off its base, it ripped their car’s bumper off of the back of the car. In the heat of the moment, they didn’t realize their bumper, with the car’s license plates, still attached was left at the scene of the crime.

These three morons were quickly caught.

Paper trail catches stupid criminal

This crook wins the award for the dumbest cook of the century. Dave Baskins lived next door to a small shopping center in South Carolina. He decided to break in and steal a cash register of a local fish & chips restaurant. The problem was, he wasn’t much smarter than fish bait.

He waited until the restaurant closed, then he broke into the backdoor and stole the cash register. I guess he didn’t notice that the cash register tape got caught on something and was rolling a paper trail behind him.

The paper trail continued to unroll all the way out the backdoor and to his apartment’s front door, about 50 feet away.

When the police arrived, they followed the paper trail and found Dave, still trying to get the register to open.

Robbing a gun store with a baseball bat

Yes, as stupid as this sounds, it happened. Dee Mosley decided to rob a gun store, armed with only a baseball bat. Of course, the store owner pulled out one of his many guns and held Dee until the police arrived.

How stupid do you have to be to even think that this was going to work? 

Here's my phone number

Ruben decided to rob a muffler shop. He pulled out a gun and told the staff to fill up the bag. The employees told Ruben that most of the money is locked in the safe and could only be opened by the manager. The manager wasn’t scheduled to arrive until several hours later.
Ruben, being the mental giant that he is, gave them his phone number and told them to call him when the manager arrived. As you can imagine, he was caught and arrested.

Worst disguise ever

Joey and Matthew decided to go on a robbing tour. They didn’t use a mask or hoods, but instead, they drew all over their faces with a permanent marker. A permanent marker is very hard to wash off, which is the reason it’s called a permanent marker. This left the men extremely easy to identify, like a turd in a punch bowl. Back at the police station, these two were nicknamed as “dumb and dumber”

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