Almost every one I know has had a really sucky job, including me. Yes, Yours truly, the Master of Creep has had jobs that I am embarrassed to talk about. The truth is, I am not a “jobs” kind of person. In fact I hate jobs. Since I was a kid, I strived to own my own business, rather than just do a job. However everyone needs to get started, and for most of us, that means getting a job. I have had so many bad jobs, I don’t even know where to start.
My very first job was a real winner. At the age of 15, I had to mop and sweep a laundry mat, for 75 cents an hour. I worked about 20 hours and my paycheck was $15 That was in 1969.
Technically I was too young to hold a job, so my employer paid me less than minimum wage. The actual job wasn’t too bad, but the pay was horrible.
My next job was sweeping out airplane hangers.
I worked at a small airport sweeping out airplane hangers for $1.75 per hour. I would spend hours sweeping out a hanger, then an airplane would come by, and blow all the dirt back in. I kept this job about a month before deciding to quit.
My next job actually sucked
I mean that in the literally sense. I was hired to wash cars and I was placed on the vacuum cleaner. On my first, and last day on the job, I opened up an ashtray, thinking that it would be full of cigarette ashes. In the blink of an eye, I heard a loud thump as I sucked up an untold amount of jewelry and pocket change.
I got sent directly to the office. While there I looked out the window and watch other workers feverously vacuuming up the interior of cars. All you could see were elbows and butt-holes. I decided right there on the spot that this job wasn’t for me.
But wait, this episode isn’t about my jobs. Let’s dive into the world’s worst creepy jobs in the history of mankind.
Personal Bucket Attendant 800 BC
During medieval times, emperors, kings, and noblemen would attend banquets that lasted all day. They would eat and eat and eat until they were completely full, then vomit into a bucket, just so they could continue eating more. It was someone’s job to handle the bucket, taking it outside to dump it into the pig trough and return for more. They would also do other things in the bucket. I’ll let you figure that one out, but we don’t need to go there.
A whipping Boy
A whipping boy would work for a prince or child king and receive the punishments earned by their elders. In most cases, this wasn’t a paid position, but would be required by a slave, which made it even worst. A whipping boy would be beaten because a tutor could not hit a prince or monarch. I assume the child king might feel guilty for letting the whipping boy take their punishment, but most likely, they really didn’t give a shit.
A wool Fuller
During the middle ages around 1300, there were 15 million sheep. Their wool was cut and collected, and it turns out that in order to clean the wool of dirt and grease, the best solution was made up of stale human urine. A Wool Fuller had the job of standing in a barrow barefooted that contained wool and human urine. They would have to march in place all day long to clean the wool. Come to think of it, I guess the worst job would be the wife’s job of having to wash the feet of the wool fuller who just got home after working a double shift.
I noticed that many of these jobs were available during the middle ages, so you would think that maybe things are better now? Oh no, I have some modern-day job examples that also suck.
Gum Scrapers
I’m not sure if this is an actual job, but I was in Walmart the other day and I saw an employee with a little putty knife on their hands and knees trying to scrape someone’s chewing gum off the floor.
It was at that moment that I got the idea for this podcast episode. I thought to myself “Wow, that job really sucks.”
I don’t know if it’s true, but I imagine that if someone were to puke all over the bathroom toilet, or the floor, it would be the gum scraper person who would have to clean it up.
So I guess the official job might not be called a gum scraper, it might just be the lowest person on the totem pole. Someone who wouldn’t be missed if they were to quit. I can only imagine kids at school during show-and-tell. What does your daddy do for a living? is he a policeman, or a fireman? “NO: He scrapes gum off the floor with a little putty knife and wipes up puke, for minimum wage.”
Coal Minor
Because of the nature of coal mining, these people tend to have shorter lifespans. They enter tiny, unstable tunnels that may contain explosives and sometimes collapse during construction. Miners have also died due to drowning in water ditches prevalent in some mining locations.
Every year, 50 to 60 coal miners die on the job in the United States. Miners use emergency breathing gear at all times. Since the job is so dangerous that they don’t have enough time to escape a tragedy. It is one of the worst jobs in the world because miners encounter threats they can’t see. Some are carbon monoxide and methane gas.
Participating in clinical trials
How desperate do you have to be to agree to let doctors try new drugs on you, just to see what happens? I see these ads all the time. Usually, they start off with a question, such as, do you suffer from toenail fungus? We are developing new treatments and we need idiots, er I mean people who suffer from this to try our new pill.
You will receive a free doctor’s visit and be paid $600 over a period of 6 months to test our new drug. What they really mean is, We will pay you to be a human genny pig. We want to see what happens to you when you take our pills. All you need to do is follow instructions and agree not to sue us if your toes dry up and fall off.
Be a giant life-size cartoon character.
Your job is to put on a giant costume with a big plastic head. You will barely be able to see outside of your costume as you try to walk, balancing your huge head on top of your shoulders.
Expect temperatures to rise quickly inside the costume to a tepid 97 degrees, followed by a continuous climb into the low 100s.
Expect kids to come up to you and want to hug you, of course, 1 out of 15 will probably punch you in the groin. You will be given a break every 3o minutes, just to make sure you are still alive. You can expect good pay, up to minimum wage. An IQ test is required. We are looking for idiots who have an IQ lower than 80. People with higher IQs tend to quit in the middle of their shift.
Sperm Bank Janitor
Need I say more?
Roadkill Collector
They are on-call during their entire shift. When a cat, dog, raccoon, or opossum tries to make it across a busy street but doesn’t make it, the roadkill person is dispatched with his shovel to scrape up the remains. I don’t know if they get paid by the hour, or by the number of animals they scrape off the road.
How would you advertise this job? “Come and join our professional team of road scrapers” We pay a $3 bonus for skunks.”
Having an extremely low IQ helps stabilize a long career. Just smart enough to drive, but dumb enough to never question the decision to apply for this job.
Cat Food Quality Tester
I just assumed that they would use cats to determine if the cat food tasted good, but no, it seems that there are actual people stupid enough to eat cat food.
Yes, real people eat samples of cat food, then fill out a form with questions about the taste, smell, wetness, firmness, etc.
The job pays minimum wage + a free package of certs. I can only imagine the looks that your cats give you when you return from a long day of work.
Experts agree, that if you have a desire to lick your own ass, maybe you have been working too hard.
Don't forget the dog treat tester
I didn’t want to leave out the dog lovers, so let’s talk about dog treat testers. I just wonder if they had to throw the treats into the air and catch them in their mouth.
Yes, people actually eat dog treats in order to test their flavor. I think they should make dog treats out of cat shit. How many times have you caught your dog chewing on a fresh cat turd from the litter box? They must taste good to dogs, but I wouldn’t know, because I am not a professional dog treat tester.
I first found out about this job from a neighbor of mine who worked as a dog treat taster. I would invite him to the show, however, he, unfortunately, was killed last week when he was chasing cars and got hit. Maybe I should have called the roadkill guy.
Here's an extra creepy job, an animal masturbater
Usually, for bulls. Cattle ranchers need bull sperm so they can impregnate their cows. Yep, some people were born to walk on the moon, while others jack off bulls. I wonder if they have to take them on a date first?
Can you imagine the ad for this job? “Are you good with your hands?” “Why not join our team of monkey spankers?” “After a week’s training, mostly consisting of running for your life, you can make better than minimum wage” Our job provides you with a bucket, a pair of running shoes, and a red tee shirt with a target on the back.”
Requirements: “You must be able to run a 100-yard dash in 15 seconds or less.”
Assembly Line Worker
Henry Ford invented the assembly line. He learned that workers who specialize in small jobs get better and faster at them as time goes on. The only problem is keeping the workforce from going insane.
Have you ever had a job where you had to continuously screw a piece of plastic to another piece of plastic, all day long, week after week, month after month, year after year?
You have to be a special kind of stupid to do that kind of work for more than one shift. I understand that I am running the risk of offending some of you, but I really don’t give a rat’s ass.
I only have one thought: “There but for the grace of god, and a low IQ and zero self-confidence, go I”
Do you have a job that sucks?
I would like to know more about it. Please visit CreepyShowPodcast.com and tell me about your sucky job. I am sure that I have left a lot of creepy jobs off my list, but it’s time to end the show.